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"I hate the world today. You're so good to me I know but I can't change."

-- Meredith Brooks (12 of 26)

© '99 - '21 by Thomas Gericke

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my latest mood: satisfied (2009-04-11 21:08, set by: minuten.de ircII-plugin v1.1)

Friday, 2009-01-16, 11:46:31 am, ?

Check out this one:

Got a brand new roof above my head
All the empty boxes thrown away
I rearranged the place
A hundred times today
But the ordering of objects
Couldn't hide what's missing

All these things should make me happy
Make me happy to be home again
All these things should make me happy
Make me happy to be alone again

Got myself a bottle of red wine
Got a night of nothing else to do
I think I might know
What I really want
But is a brighter discontent
The best that I could hope to find?

Got a big black television set
Now I can watch just what I want
But I'm here staring up
At pictures on the wall
And where are you,
You're still stuck inside them all

All these things should make me happy
Make me happy to be home again
All these things should make me happy
Make me happy to be alone again

But love is not these belongings
That surround me
Though there's meaning
In the memories they hold
A breaking heart in an empty apartment
Was the loudest sound I never heard

Got a desk I'll write myself a note
Pretending that it came from you
On hotel stationary
From the time we first met
Whatever I can do cause
I won't throw my hands up yet

All these things should make me happy
Make me happy to be home again
All these things should make me happy
Make me happy to be alone again

But love is not these belongings
That surround you
Though there's meaning
In the memories they hold
A breaking heart in an empty apartment
Was the loudest sound I never heard

Well I'll be fine if
I dont look around me now
Too much for what's gone
If only I can wait here just a little while
And let time pass in my room

Brighter Discontent - The Submarines

Wednesday, 2008-12-24, 05:07:45 pm, somewhere

too private; click here to login

Monday, 2008-11-24, 05:39:27 pm, @work

Everything that happened, has happened.

Everything that happens, is happening.

Everthing that's supposed to happen, will happen.

Saturday, 2008-10-25, 02:10:44 pm, @home

Had an remarkable evening/night. Glad to have such friends, glad to know such people and I truely love my little sister!

Friday, 2008-10-24, 10:23:37 am, @work

WHAT a week so far...

Things happened and are supposed to happen again.

Other things make me nervous, a few more make me angry.

To come to a conclusion: everything's more than fine.

Friday, 2008-10-17, 03:08:50 am, @home

You see what time it is?!

For some weeks now, I can't get no sleep 'til early in the morning. Why it is like this? I don't know. I neither WANT to know. It is how it is and it'll be alright.

I've had some bad days, I've had some great days and I've had some days which were quite okay. I espacially remember three weekends the last two months. Weekends with adorable company. This week was lawyer's week.

I've seen people come and go. That's just the way it is.

A great man once stated:

Though I walk through the valley of darkness
I am not afraid
Cause I know I'm not alone

And he was (and still is) so damn right.

Thursday, 2008-09-04, 12:42:58 am, @home

After almost 4 years, I changed my mood today/tonight:

2004-10-09 04:39 upside-down
(minuten.de ircII-plugin v1.0a)

2008-09-04 00:42 mournful
(minuten.de ircII-plugin v1.1)

I have reasons for that. Certain reasons!

I was wrong, but you, if you are reading this, were not right either. You were definitely wrong and you did what I never expected you to do.

All your promises were actually not honest. Those were lies and nothing but lies. You lied to me and, as a matter of fact, lied to yourself.

The very good thing about the situation is: I now can truely say, I always knew it.

The very bad thing is: I always knew it.

How can someone be that selfish? How can a single person do, what he/she never wants someone else to do to him/her? How? Why?

Sunday, 2007-06-03, 10:59:05 pm, @home

Hi folks,

first of all: I'm back - I never really was gone, my server crashed some time ago and I had a lot of trouble recovering all the stuff. Fortunately, I had backups of all webspaces and all databases, serving most content within my private website.

So, here we go...!

What happened during the last few months?! Well, nothing in particular. At least nothing I would note here. :)

Everything's quite fine, a lot of work, a lot of private activities. Let's say: normality! :)

I'd really appreciate if you would drop me an entry in my guestbook.

So long and thanks for the fish...


Thursday, 2006-10-12, 03:31:47 pm, @work

Very special and very great things are happening! My dear turned into a very gorgeous and exceptional woman. She seems to recognize her own benefits of it. And we both love it!

Friday, 2006-04-14, 12:05:31 am, @home

too private; click here to login

Friday, 2006-04-14, 12:00:50 am, @home

A few days of vacation! I could say, I'm feeling great. I(we)'ve had two fantastic days with the kiddies. My dear had to work very early, she already was gone when the children woke up. I spend the morning with the two of 'em, we had fun and everything was fine. The last two afternoons, we spent some time with Oliver and his sons, Yannik and Julius. It was real fun and I'm glad to have some more days together with my darling.

I do love you!

Wednesday, 2006-04-05, 01:35:16 pm, @somewhere

too private; click here to login

Wednesday, 2006-04-05, 11:16:51 am, @somewhere

too private; click here to login

Monday, 2006-01-09, 01:42:38 pm, @work

Lots of things and thoughts running through my brain and through my veins. Feelin' sadness as well as incredible happyness and love. Feelin' salvaged most of the time. I love you, honey.

Mark Tremonti and Scott Stapp say...

When you are with me I'm free
I'm careless, I believe
Above all the others we'll fly
This brings tears to my eyes
Cause when you are with me I am free
I'm careless, I believe
Above all the others we'll fly
This brings tears to my eyes

... and I somehow feel like that.

Wednesday, 2005-11-09, 11:24:53 pm, @home

Glad to have you by my side, honey. I really enjoy every very delightful moment with you. Don't ever ever want to miss you again in my life. I love you!

Thursday, 2005-10-13, 10:13:02 am,

Meatloaf - Wastet Youth

I remember everything!

I remember every little thing as if it happened only yesterday
I was barely seventeen, and I once killed a boy with a Fender guitar
I don't remember if it was a telecaster or a stratocaster
But I do remember that it had a heart of chrome and a voice like a horny angel
I don't remember if it was a telecaster or a stratocaster
But I do remember that it wasn't at all easy

It required the perfect combination of the right power chords
And the precise angle from which to strike
The guitar bled for about a week afterward
And the blood was ugh dark and rich, like wild berries
The blood of the guitar was Chuck Berry red
The guitar bled for about a week afterward, but it rung out beautifully
And I was able to play notes that I had never even heard before

So I took my guitar, and I smashed it against the wall
I smashed it against the floor
I smashed it against the body of a varsity cheerleader
Smashed it against the hood of a car
Smashed it against a 1981 Harley Davidson
The Harley howled in pain, the guitar howled in heat

And I ran up the stairs to my parents' bedroom
Mummy and daddy were sleeping in the moonlight
Slowly I opened the door, creeping in the shadows Right upto the foot of their bed
I raised the guitar high above my head
And just as I was about to bring the guitar crashing down upon the centre of the bed, my father woke up, screaming "Stop!"
"Wait a minute! Stop it boy! What do ya think you're doin'?
That's no way to treat an expensive musical instrument!"

And I said: "God dammit daddy!
You know I love you, but you got a hell of a lot to learn about rock an' roll!"

Saturday, 2005-09-24, 11:41:04 am, @home

By the way: my "current mood" (set 2004-10-09) is still very recent and was throughout the last months.

Wednesday, 2005-09-21, 05:39:51 pm, @work

too private; click here to login

Sunday, 2005-09-11, 04:48:58 pm, @home

I really do love you more than you'll ever know, my truely beloved dear.

I cherish your love,
I love your closeness,
I honor your autonomy,
I love your gentle touches
and I love to touch and hold you.

Love leeds to incredible faith,
Faith leeds to unlimited liberty,
Liberty leeds to even greater love.

Friday, 2005-05-27, 08:52:24 pm, @home

Haven't written for a long time. Okay, this site was down for a long time, too.

So: here I am!

Am I able to recall what was going on the last few months? No, I don't think so. So, the least I can do is to start all over again. To cover the moment, just as I did before.

But before what? Before I felt to have to take this site down in order to think some certain things over.

I realized, I'm not through with my mom's death. It's very much harder to get on with it than I thought. I miss her.

I realized, I made mistakes in the past and I still have failures right now - and I will have in the future.

I realized (once again), life ain't easy.

But in the end I realized one special thing in particular: true, deep and honest love might be the greatest gift on Gods earth.

I'm not an easy person, my dear neither is. That doesn't make our life very simple, but it works - and it works very well, indeed.

Apparently endless moments of joy and fun, wonderful hours together with those awesome kids and my gorgeous dear - that's what made me come alive again, what brought me back my original strength and makes me keep my head up high.

Since weeks, I'm able to be on my own again, to live my life again and to remain strong.

Wednesday, 2004-12-29, 01:02:26 pm, @office

During the last days, we actually moved into our new appartment! I am feeling home, happy and completely satisfied like I haven't felt for years. Probably the last time those feelings occured to me was at my parents home in 1996.

Honey, I really do love you! :-)

Wednesday, 2004-11-17, 10:58:21 am, @home

too private; click here to login

Tuesday, 2004-11-02, 10:55:18 pm, @home

I am officially off the market for almost four weeks now. Just felt like it was time to state this today. Never had a relationship like this, never before felt like home.

Saturday, 2004-10-23, 06:22:28 am, @home

Had one of the greatest party nights ever. Goin' to get some sleep now...

Sunday, 2004-10-17, 06:20:53 pm, @munich

Now I've had... (and I still have)
You know how the lyric goes.

Saturday, 2004-10-09, 04:34:05 am, @home

You ever encountered a self fulfilling prophecy?!
I had a few of 'em today/yesterday - a few too much, if you ask me.

Thursday, 2004-10-07, 03:27:42 am, @home

too private; click here to login

Sunday, 2004-10-03, 04:55:55 am, @home

Came home a few minutes ago. I am slightly drunk, had another great evening with E. and later S.

Saturday, 2004-10-02, 05:41:46 am, @home

In the very early morning, just came home. Had a great first night in a row of two.

Wednesday, 2004-09-22, 02:04:04 am, @home

A new star arose at my horizon.

Monday, 2004-09-20, 02:34:58 pm, @work

Oh my fuckin' Goddess!

As amazed as I felt Friday night ('cause I then expected some things to work fine), so shocked and down I felt on Saturday. Things happened, I'd never again anticipated to happen. Another showdown yesterday in the early afternoon - okay, the whole afternoon. Hours and hours of an apparently neverending situation of stupidity and foolishness. Talks and cynical laughter, uncried tears and lots of shaken heads.

I already knew it to come last Thursday, so I led some certain things into their proper ways. First step automatically happend some minutes ago, at 2pm. Next step I assume to happen this late afternoon. I'm thinking about to check it, but I guess I don't have to.

Got a call from a former classmate last week, actually he wanted to make an appointment to sell me some insurance-stuff. I told him to come over this evening, but I really ain't free in my mind for that bullshit. So I just called him up and cancelled that meeting, telling him I were busy, having other things to think about.

Even though not really funny I had to smile about the following for a tenth of a second or so: he immediately asked me what was wrong, he said I really, really didn't sound okay, he even told me I sounded damn decayed. I tried to be as normal as usual, just wanted to cancel that appointment, I must have had a certain undertone in my voice - can't tell...

Saturday, 2004-09-18, 01:17:26 am, @home

Amazed is my current mood.

I'm amazed, 'cause some things seemed to happen last week. I'm amazed, 'cause I realized once again what real friends are. I'm amazed, 'cause I made one or two steps forward to get back to my actual strength. I'm pretty amazed, 'cause I seem to have some certain things in reachable range.

I'm really, really amazed, 'cause an astonishing time is yet to come. 'cause life has proper changes to occur to you and me. 'cause life has great expectations - just realize 'em, act according to 'em and live 'em.

It's Amazing
With the blink of an eye you finally see the light
It's Amazing
When the moment arrives that you know you'll be alright
It's Amazing
And I'm sayin' a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight

- Aerosmith

Saturday, 2004-09-11, 05:59:48 pm, @Cologne

Though I walk through the valley of darkness
I am not afraid
Cause I know:
I'm not alone

Sunday, 2004-09-05, 04:08:42 am, @home

Dunno what to think.
And even worse, I dunno what to do.

I'm totally drunk and still not free in my mind. Had some of my best buddies around tonight, felt so good, but still have so much pain inside and such little knowledge of my future.

Tuesday, 2004-08-31, 11:32:01 am, @doro's place

I'm certified unfit for work the whole week now. My doctor immediately filled out the form and prescribed me some adequate drugs. Felt down like hell. Doro demanded me to come over, so here I am and try to forget.

Sunday, 2004-08-29, 11:32:42 pm, @home

too private; click here to login

Sunday, 2004-08-29, 11:18:36 pm, @home

too private; click here to login

Thursday, 2004-08-26, 09:52:43 pm, @home

too private; click here to login

Tuesday, 2004-08-24, 10:49:20 pm, @home

too private; click here to login

Tuesday, 2004-08-24, 10:19:36 pm, @home

Still, there're two situations which totally fuck my brain. Sometimes I even dunno how to sleep, how to eat, how to get up or even breath. I feel so beaten, so down and so completely mistreated. Yesterday, I had my first meal since last Wednesday. Did not really feel well after that one. I barely eat, I nearly don't drink.

I don't know myself like that. If I leave my body and take a look at me, if I see myself like all others do see me, if I analyze those situations in an objective way, I can just shake my head. Again and again and again.

I've got real good friends who always try to make me smile, give me perspectives and hook me up. I love 'em all, but they can hardly compensate what I feel.

Why am I doing all this? Is it because I need that kind of emotional pain? Do I feel guilty for something I couldn't have abandoned in any way and now abviously feel better by getting punished? What the fuckin' hell is going on in my life?

I'm sitting here, not wasted by now but wounded anyhow. I am waiting for something that won't happen (situation #1) and something else, that will definitely happen (situation #2).

Is it because I try to compensate the pain caused by situation #2 by being treated unfair by situation #1?!

A (at the moment, and I hope it lasts) very good friend of mine told me a couple of days ago, I won't be able to focus on me and my life again until situation #2 is over and the time has healed the pain. As long as I think about it, I conclude, that it's as cruel as it's the truth. In the meantime, I should take care of me, some of my friends are really concerned about me. But I most of the time keep smiling and my head up high.

Time flies by...

Saturday, 2004-08-21, 02:39:45 pm, @home

Sad and anxious

Wrote another song Wednesday night - in just about 5 minutes. It expresses my current situation quite right.

-- Weak And Strong -- (Aug 19 2004)

Throughout all the years
Since I left home and family
Through all those heavy fears
Left me grounded with dry tears

Caught up a dream last night
Lonely but not alone
Telling me those friends in sight
They where so damn fuckin' right

Weakness and strength
Both made me what I am
Made me harder even strong
Showed me where I do belong

I am weak, damn!
I am strong, hey!
Leave this place, dude!
Don't get me wrong, no!
Gotta blame this godforsaken life
Gonna take a ride to make it fine
That's the miracle of bein' weak and strong

Don't show no mercy anymore
Won't get lost to the core
For what they did, there's no apology
Drove me right into eternal tragedy

Weakness and strength
Both made me what I am
Made me harder even strong
Showed me where I do belong

I am weak, damn!
I am strong, hey!
Leave this place, dude!
Don't get me wrong, no!
Gotta blame this godforsaken life
Gonna take a ride to make it fine
That's the miracle of bein' weak and strong

Weaker and stronger
By time no wonder
I do not ever look around
I finally do not lose the ground

Moving on, going on and caring less
There's no one else to trust and
Even no one else than me to bless

Monday, 2004-08-16, 07:59:37 pm, @home

These days are hard and dark. Just a few sunny moments in times of sadness. Held some talks with my dad today. Apparently neverending thoughts about my beloved mum, the woman who gave birth to me. The most important person ever in my life.

Had a 2,5hours breakfast with Anne today, it was nice and I was pretty amazed - feelings I didn't have for weeks. We had a real great conversation, concerning this and that. She gave me perspectives, just as Rebecca always does.

I also told her and Rebecca and also Julia and (via SMS) Agnes those days, how and why I act just like I do at the moment. There're so little real problems and I could really freak out 'bout some dishonest individuals with their fuckin' not important issues.

I'm happy, knowing what I know now and being able to see things more clearly these days. I'm happy, being able to hate those people today.

What did Anne say today? Every little and even bad thing and moment has a meaning. She's so damn right with that.

Sunday, 2004-08-08, 06:46:54 pm, @home

... not quite often at home. 've been to Frankfurt -- respectively Hanau -- a couple of times, to Hameln this weekend. Set new principles for me and my life.

Saw A. (supposedly on her way home) while riding my bike this afternoon.

Nothin' more to tell, keepin' it all in my mind.

Monday, 2004-07-26, 12:39:23 am, @home

I came to a decision tonight.

Monday, 2004-07-19, 09:31:24 am, @work

A period of about 33 hours

with an amazing ghost of my very, very past just ended - for the moment by all means. We've been swimming and enjoying the afternoon sun yesterday (together with Agnes and Jana) and later had some remarkable time on my terrace.


Sunday, 2004-07-18, 01:19:55 pm, @home

Had a great weekend so far.

've been together with Milka, Kathi and Tina Friday evening, was quite okay. Lay in the sun Saturday afternoon, there was some kind of scurrile summer-party at Wege's home in the evening. Later, I met Sarah and we really got drunk, made it through several locations and got home in the very early morning (7am), we still got some hours of sleep.

Monday, 2004-07-12, 11:48:32 pm, @home

[link=/relaunch/graphics/popstars_nuernberg2004.ph p] me @ Popstars-Casting 2004-07-10 [/link]

Saturday, 2004-07-10, 11:45:08 pm, @home

After Popstars-Casting...

Actually, I've really been there. Sucessfully passed the first Casting, which was held by vocal Coaches. I was pretty amazed. After hours and hours of waiting, chatting and hanging around with others, I had to perform in front of Sandy, Uwe and Lukas. I had absolutely no doubt of getting kicked out by 'em, 'cause there were about a 1000 people today, just 35 passed to the Re-Re-Call.

To sum the day up, it was a real great day of fun, joy and very nice people.

Popstars 2005 - here I come!

Tuesday, 2004-07-06, 08:57:59 pm, @home

About a week after I was up again, I had another complete breakdown yesterday in the afternoon. Had to barf all the evening. Those are the times I hate what life's all about.

Got disillusioning news from home this evening. Why can't things be easy some times?


Sunday, 2004-07-04, 12:03:55 pm, @home

Sad for some certain reason, strucked by a curious situation. Dunno what went wrong, dunno what the problem was, neither when it started nor when it ended. I love you for all you were and all you are. Keep on being what you are. What a great pity, we never met.

Kind regards, T.

Monday, 2004-06-28, 04:56:28 pm, @work

Incredibly enchanted

Gotta state two quotations:

The sun doesn't shine at night
It doesn't mean that there's no light
Tomorrow's a new day
Don't run away and hide
'cause everything will be alright


There are times
When I can't take it anymore
Why don't we understand
The simple things in life
Can give us more, more than we pretend

Feelin' real great after almost a week in bed.

Thursday, 2004-06-03, 04:12:10 am, @home

Having such an incredible time...

Hard to tell neither what happened the last weeks nor what still's happening. Just to mention some remarkable things...

... many, many dates
... lots of great sex
... few nights at home
... holidays
... partying days and nights
... jam-session with Sarah
... heavy time with Julia
... endless days and nights with Rebecca
... a couple of nights with Agnes @ Weges
... great time with Regina
... re-union with Doro
... talks with another Doro
... Sabrina
... days and nights in the park
... Berg, Berg ([url]http://www.der-berg- ruft.de/[/url])
... at the movies

Once again: I love my friends!

Wednesday, 2004-04-21, 02:23:15 am, @home

Just got home...

Had a wonderful evening in Munich. Strawberries, sparkling wine, whipped cream, candles and deep going talks at the English Garden. Later, had breakfast at the "Cafe Munich".

It's great, having people around you, taking you in their arms very unforeseenable, telling you, they just stopped by to see you.

I'm happy with almost any aspect of my life.

Monday, 2004-04-19, 01:13:35 pm, @work

A German songtext...

... meaning what feelings I've buried in my heart and my soul, explaining my hate and how I tread with the past. Literally!

Setzt mich aus auf ein dunkles Meer
schwimmst nicht mehr hinterher
hast dich weggestohlen
hast dich weggestohlen

Harte Seele, blonder Blick,
feiger Harm, kein fieser Trick,
kein Prozeß, kein Gesuch,
kein Prozeß, kein Gesuch

Läßt mich ertrinken,
ertrinken im Strudel,
läßt mich zurück

Für dein Leben nach mir
wünsch´ ich dir viel Pech
ich hoffe es geht dir so richtig schlecht
in deinem Leben nach mir
sollst du dahinvegetieren
ich wünsch´ dir das Grauen an den Hals
und die Pest

Im Gedanken an dich fahr' ich Autos zu Schrott,
paß auf daß mein Leben nicht aus den Adern tropft
bin traurig, leide nicht,
bin traurig, leide nicht

Du hättest es so gern gesehen
mein ganz langsames Untergehen
mein letztes Gurgeln nach dir
mein letztes Gurgeln nach dir

Wünsch´ dich überall hin
überall hin
nur nicht mehr zu mir

Für dein Leben nach mir
wünsch´ ich dir viel Pech
ich hoffe es geht dir so richtig schlecht
in deinem Leben nach mir
sollst du dahinvegetieren
ich wünsch´ dir das Grauen an den Hals
und die Pest

Und ist dein Stern erst gesunken
und gibt der Boden unter dir nach
dann sehe ich dir zu beim Untergehen
meinen Namen auf deinen Lippen
doch dann ist es zu spät

Für dein Leben nach mir
wünsch´ ich dir viel Pech
ich hoffe es geht dir so richtig schlecht
in deinem Leben nach mir
sollst du dahinvegetieren
ich wünsch´ dir das Grauen an den Hals
und die Pest
und dir die Pest

Für dein Leben nach mir
wünsch´ ich dir viel Pech
ich hoffe es geht dir so richtig schlecht
in deinem Leben nach mir
sollst du dahinvegetieren
ich wünsch´ dir das Grauen an den Hals
und die Pest

Monday, 2004-04-19, 09:15:39 am, @work

Hey you!

Whoever gave me that phone number (which was intended to be fake but was surely not) last night: thanks a lot! Drop me a note and I probably owe you a drink.

Sunday, 2004-04-11, 04:08:49 pm, @home

Had another 32-hour-period with a magnificent woman on Friday and Saturday. Visited Dark Legend's Nike (the shoe) and some relatives.

Thursday, 2004-04-08, 01:21:40 am, @home

I'm drunk...

... but I can do this little diary thing anyway.

I can't neither dance nor drink away all my trouble and all my pain. Though I experienced a great evening and an even greater night with two of my very, very, very best friends, I cannot push aside my thoughts. I wish I could, but they're burned so deeply in my mind...

(It was Thekenschlampen at "Der Hirsch" tonight...)

Monday, 2004-04-05, 09:49:10 pm, @home

too private; click here to login

Sunday, 2004-04-04, 12:29:37 pm, @home

I am having a sensational time.

Hard to describe in other words. Though being disappointed 'bout various matters, the wondrous time continues...

Wednesday, 2004-03-31, 10:37:32 am, @office

Oh, my God...

... what a night. First, we (Doro, Flo, Jasmin, Oli and me) have been to the Prinzenbar, where we met a couple of real cool people, as well as some chrashed individuals too. And once again, I also met some of my former tutor kids.

Afterwards, we (Doro and me) attended a crowd of people at the Saigon Bar. It was fuckin' cool. Later, on our way home, we nicked a Turkey pita.

Cool as usual.

Monday, 2004-03-29, 02:56:03 am,

Have to correct myself:

Seven nights in a row.

Sunday, 2004-03-28, 09:47:47 pm, @home

First in seven nights...

... or in other words: the day, the cat finally and definitely moved out. Threw all the crappy stuff into a so called cat-trash-box; felt incredibly good.

Had a week of joy, fun and all I could expect, feeling so evenly at the moment. Yesterday, we've been to an Afghan restaurant, it was some kind of birthday event. I realized, it's not a wonder if someone easily integrates him-/herself into a new group of people. I realized, it's a kind of weakness and backwardness if he/her is not able to do so. 've been to cc42 afterwards, just for a few minutes. Rofa later on.

This day started with a breakfast consisting of sparkling wine, scrambled eggs, salmon and such stuff. It continued with endless moments on my terrace, sitting and amusing in the sun. Later, having fun at some other places, again spending time in the sun, laughing, talking and philosophizing the whole day.

I don't even care, whether my ex's now screwing around or not. I've had enough dates and women the past 2 years - and I still do have.

Friday, 2004-03-26, 11:24:25 am, @office

Jeanette rocked the house...

Her show was great, her outfit even greater, it was a nice evening with remarkable attendance. We've been to a chillout sit-in afterwards. Rememberable too.

Sex, Drugs and Rock'n'Roll. Yeah!

Thursday, 2004-03-25, 09:09:27 am, @work

Feelin' fine.

Saturday, 2004-03-20, 12:31:06 pm, @home

Once upon a time, I felt like this

One day, probably in the very, very past, I exactly felt like the following beautiful lyric.

Please enjoy!

Xavier Naidoo - Ich Kenne Nichts

You know they say
In every man’s life, there comes a time
When you got struck by the arrow of cupid
By the love of God, or the beauty by a woman
Yes, sometimes this love, brings thunder into your life
And it brings the storm, sing about it

There is more to love like this
Love is more then just a kiss
Will we take you to that step
Will we do more than just connect
And will you, bring the thunder in my life
And the fire in my eyes
Cause then there, will be days of pleasure and
Everything far will be so near

Hook: Xavier
I have never felt thunder (thunder)
And lightning (lightning) like this
I have never been strucked by (strucked by)
A wonder (a wonder) like this

Xavier :
Ich könnte tagelang nur von dir erzählen
Ohne deinen Namen auch nur einmal zu erwähnen
Unter Schmerzen oder unter Tränen
würde dein Name als meine Linderung dienen
Jede deiner Bewegungen ist erstrebenswert und
Jede Stunde mit dir ist so lebenswert

Nichts ist vergleichbar mit dem was du gibst
Mit dem was du zeigst, wie du lebst und wie du liebst

Ich kenne nichts, ich kenne nichts
Das so schön ist wie du

Schöne Tage mit dir sind kostbar
So kostbar wie der Weg zum Morgenstern
Ich zelebriere sie wie einen Festtag
An dem ich immer wieder neues von dir lern

Im Moment ist das schönste dich zu kennen
Dich zu kennen ist wohl das Beste das ich hab
Verzeih mir aber dieses sag ich nochmal:
Deinen Namen zu nennen ist wohl das Schönste was ich sag!

Ich kenne nichts, ich kenne nichts
das so schön ist wie du

Ich kenne nichts, ich kenne nichts
das so schön ist wie du

Ich kenne nichts, ich kenne nichts
das so schön ist wie du

Actually I'm thru with this. It doesn't make me sad anymore, not that it's over, not that it did hurt, not that it did cost so much time and strength and deep love.

But it does make me sad, that I'm thru with it. Though just very little time of the day, it does.

I'm not in the mood to come to some further issues at the moment. Anyhow, can't define my mood.

Wednesday, 2004-03-17, 07:47:01 pm, @home

Turning the pages, a new chapter usually begins

Took a walk in the park. It's funny to realize how great the very simple things of life can be. Heading away again now...

Tuesday, 2004-03-16, 10:35:33 pm, @home

Together alone - not lonely by chance

First in seven nights not sharing the bed with a head full of alcohol or accompanied by someone. And it's okay. Having such a great time, feeling good in my mind and concurrently guilty in my heart for not being able to help that certain person who gave me all the love all my life; I'm simply not in the position to help, it makes me teary and even tearier.

The only thing to deal with all this situation is to gather all the strength and warmth of the lovely people surrounding me most of the time. I am so incredibly thankful, even (or especially?) for the one spending the nights with me.

And I'm even thankful for being able to bundle all my enormous hate. I'm dealing with that my own way and one day will come when I do what I have to do.

Sunday, 2004-03-14, 12:25:22 pm, @home

too private; click here to login

Saturday, 2004-03-13, 01:41:43 pm, @home

What a night...

Saturday, 2004-03-06, 02:08:31 am, @home

What I learned out on the road...

... and especially the last two days:

I love my family, I really care for my little sister - more than ever, more than I thought I ever could.

I do have friends I can rely on, friends who really care for me. Friends who are there/here/wherever and whenever I need them to be. Friends who hold me, friends I can hold. Friends in whose presence I can be just like I really am, not pretending to be like someone else.

I absolutely appreciate everything you ever did for me, which is a lot so far.

Love ya guys and gals - you will cognize whether I'm talkin' 'bout ya or someone else.

Wednesday, 2004-02-18, 03:02:01 pm, @home

I'm back!

First of all, I have to thank Gernot for again spending such a great time with me. It was a pleasure for me to enjoy the last two weeks together, managing all moments of trouble and laughter.

Furthermore, I really have to thank the ones who cared for my place and my lovely cat while I was away. Thanks a lot, I really do appreciate your cooperativeness and friendship.

Finally, I thank my family and all the other beloved ones for waiting so (im)patiently for me to return.

Tuesday, 2004-02-17, 12:57:27 am, @Dallas, TX (via GPRS)

Today (actually our last day), we finally manged it to totally fuck up the car. alamo sent a wrecker service which swapped the automobile; we now have a Dodge Stratus. This is so unbelieveable, but it's true, pictures will follow!

Sunday, 2004-02-08, 08:41:29 pm, @clearwater

Yesterday, we sank the car deeply in the swamp. Almost destroyed it. Pictures will follow. It was the most absurd situation ever in my life.

Thursday, 2004-02-05, 10:43:17 pm, @New Orleans

Well, well, well. Being in New Orleans, LA now.

After the first shock on Tuesday morning, when Agnes picked us up for the airport (we had to be there at 7.15am, she stood in front of my door at 6.40am, just as planned, and I was still sleeping very deeply, without even having finished packing all my belongings), everything went just quite okay.

No problems with the flights, just a few difficulties when passing the immigration in Dallas, heading for the location where JFK was assassinated in 1963, heading for HRC, heading down to Houston, HRC again, Motel6, Johnson Space Center (NASA) the next day, left Texas for Louisiana, heavy thunderstorms and lots of rain, Motel6 at Lafayette, heading down for New Orleans, spending some time at Loyola University now.

Though spending some funny and real great time, I can hardly sleep without having at least bad dreams or thinking 'bout certain things the whole day.

Feelin' good and sad the same time.

Monday, 2004-02-02, 02:33:51 am, @home

Nearly more than two bottles of wine with Gernot made me focus on tomorrow, the day after tomorrow and all my life. It didn't make me forget what my heart feels like.

Feeling good, 'cause I'm drunk. Feeling bad, 'cause I'm able to think anyways.

Sunday, 2004-02-01, 05:11:26 pm, @home

Made a decision: [link=/relaunch/me/nomoreIRC.php] no more IRC![/link]

Sunday, 2004-02-01, 12:49:39 pm, @home

too private; click here to login

Sunday, 2004-02-01, 02:13:50 am, @home

Though constantly crying for more than six hours now, I can barely shed a tear, maybe because I didn't drink anything since Friday. And furthermore though I cannot breath correctly, because I've got to choke again and again, I can't vomit anything, maybe because I didn't eat anything for more than 36 hours now - where nothing's inside, there can't anything come out.

I haven't been alone the past four hours. I alternately felt more than great and more than even worse. Got the information I wanted, which was more than I needed.

Feeling lucky, feeling sad, gotta think about it. Actually, I cannot look ahead nor back or around. There're just spots of light and darkness circling around in my mind and my confused universe. When will a friendly sun light up my life again? What will it look and be and feel like?

What am I supposed to do?

Friday, 2004-01-30, 12:19:21 am, @home

If God is a DJ
If life is a dancefloor
Love is the rhythm
You are the music

Wednesday, 2004-01-28, 07:20:38 pm, @home

too private; click here to login

Wednesday, 2004-01-28, 01:44:12 pm, @home

Sick, stayed at home today.

Called up Agnes yesterday evening; she immediately knew what was wrong and how I felt before I even said a single word. Can hardly be alone.

Haven't slept in my bed for weeks now, feels too bad, preferred my sofa.

How to increase worst?

Tuesday, 2004-01-27, 01:45:59 am, @home

In addition to [link=/relaunch/interactive/diary/index.php&diaryi d=61]an old diary-entry[/link] I have to append:


Though I had some friends with my tonight, I feel miserable (see my moods). Hard to explain, even harder to unterstand, impossible to bear. You ever gone through a situation in which you knew quite sure what you needed, what you wanted and in which you concurrently felt what you couldn't have at the moment, possibly neither had in the past? Even though having some good time, I know there could and must be more. There has to be a way whilst chances are decreasing to keep it in reach day by day.


Sunday, 2004-01-25, 10:01:11 pm, @home

Good evening!

I did some major changes on the lyrics-part of my website. Set up another database-table and added some texts. More will follow whenever I like to.

Furthermore, I implemented a link-feature, which enables me to directly link you to the [link=/relaunch/lyrics/index.php]Songtexts and lyrics[/link]-page on my website.

Can't make long-term plans at the moment. The only aim in reach are my upcoming vacations. Just one more week to go.

Sunday, 2004-01-25, 04:11:09 pm, @home

Had a phone-call from my dad. Not at all good news from home. Being even more sad now.

Wednesday, 2004-01-21, 06:47:29 pm, @home

Every now and then...

 ... I think about my past
 ... I think about my future
 ... I think about love
 ... 'n I think about hate

 ... I think about what's been
 ... I think about what could have been
 ... I think about what you did 'n what I did
 ... I think about what we could have done more

 ... I think about you and I

Folks, those of you frequently reading those lines in my diary might know how I think, how I work my things out. I'm usually straight, I mostly know how to feel and solve my problems or situations. I dunno how to solve that situation now.

I'd like to call her, but I don't want to.
I'd like to love her, but I won't.
I'd like to date others a lot, but I can't.
I'd like to tell how I feel, but I don't know how.

There's definitely more than just some feelings. There's something hurting inside me so much, I can't even tell. Sometimes, I'd simply like to burst with silent noise and disappear in a puff of desperation.

What crappy situation is that?

Monday, 2004-01-19, 04:08:23 am, @home

"The question whether or not we are alone in the universe has been answered" - President Thomas J. Whitmore, Independence Day (1996).

I if define myself as "we" and my life as "the universe", I have to acknowledge and negate that statement contemporaneously.

I have great friends, for sure. I can call 'em up almost any time, I can join 'em late at night for some bottles of wine, they come over if I am in need of someone. Sure, that's great and one of the most valuable gifts in "the universe".

But whom will I ever donate the biggest part of my heart? Whom will I give all my love and life? I dunno yet.

By now and for the rest of my life, my friends will ever be the probably most important part, though, I'd like to donate the biggest part to someone, too. What does that mean? There might be one person being the most important to me, while the rest of my friends in sum are even more important. The main cause is: you might lose your partner frivolously and that's the moment you need your friends more than ever. So: don't ever give up your friends when in a relationship.

I found the one being worth to earn the biggest part of my heart about four years ago, unfortunately I lost her involuntarily about two and a half years ago, when we both moved to Nuremberg.

I love my friends, those very kind and awesome people.

Sunday, 2004-01-11, 06:22:43 am, @home

Hurting feet and constantly hurting brain.

Thursday, 2004-01-08, 10:47:35 pm, @home

Just realized, this project almost lasts for 3 years now. I'm glad of it. What I'm wondering 'bout is the fact, that about half of this page's length belongs to last year's entries. I posted several songtexts, lyrics and such stuff, which reflect or reflected my feelings quite right at those moments.

Concerning my current feelings and thoughts: I feel quite empty, I need my upcoming vacations...

Thursday, 2004-01-08, 02:22:58 am, @home

Well, well, well...
... we're all gonna go to hell.

Tuesday, 2004-01-06, 03:30:45 am, @home

my damn DSL-modem fucked up tonight, the hilarious thing is: it worked 1 minute before Gernot arrived at my place, it didn't work anymore 1 minute after he arrived! must have been his bad karma :)

the good news are: I have a working ISDN-backup :)

Monday, 2004-01-05, 12:28:49 am, @home

Strange things happen at Rofa during the last weeks. But I love it.

Friday, 2004-01-02, 03:43:24 pm, @work


... was the year I finally split up with my long- term girlfriend after having fought all possible fights

... was the year I tought most about my family, I really was frightened concerning my mum, the woman I love most

... was the year I learned a bit more, what friends are for

... was the year I got to know more new people than in any other year before

... was the year I mostly thought about my future

... was a year of love, hate, fears and tears.


... what will it bring to me?!

Friday, 2004-01-02, 03:05:10 pm, @work

When in need of a good cappuccino, why not taste a real good one in Italy? When hungry for a very good pizza, why not try an original one in Italy? When your wine-rack's quite empty and you need to refill, why not buy it where it comes from, in Italy? Same with parmesan.

To be more concrete, Monday was an incredible day. Gernot and me visited Lisas family for dinner, even more, we cooked dinner. It was a great and funny evening. Right after falling into my bed, I arose again, 'cause Gernot called me up to find out, we were both bored. First, I met some folks at Coyote, where Gernot also came to, we then picked up Agnes at her place. She was immediately exalted by the idea, heading for Italy.

We drove all night, playing funny games to keep us awake. Passing "Gardasee", it was still dark. We stopped at Verona, had some Cappuccino, took a walk downtown, enjoyed the great views from the top of a hill, bought some wine and cheese, ate a real good pizza and finally headed backwards to Nuremberg, where we arrived at about 7pm.

Such spontaneous trips are the best ones. I loved it.

Wednesday, 2003-12-31, 01:36:32 am, @home

concerning today's evening:

why sit and wait and waste time?

Tuesday, 2003-12-30, 07:02:02 pm, @home

back, will comment later, gotta go again soon.

Tuesday, 2003-12-30, 01:35:44 am, @home

... on the road now, heading for Italy.

Sunday, 2003-12-28, 06:29:37 pm, @home

Creed puts across a real great feeling...

Hello my friend
We meet again
It's been a while
Where should we begin?
Feels like forever

Within my heart
Are memories
Of perfect love
That you gave to me
I remember

When you are with me
I'm free
I'm careless
I believe
Above all the others
We'll fly
This brings tears
To my eyes
My sacrifice

We've seen our share
Of ups and downs
How quickly life
Can turn around
In an instant

It feels so good to reunite
Within yourself and
Within your mind
Let's find peace there

'Cause when you are
With me
I'm free
I'm careless
I believe
Above all the others
We'll fly
This brings tears
To my eyes
My sacrifice

I just want to
Say hello again
I just want to
Say hello again

When you are with me
I'm free
I'm careless
I believe
Above all the others
We'll fly
This brings tears
To my eyes

'Cause when you are
With me
I'm free
I'm careless
I believe
Above all the others
We'll fly
This brings tears
To my eyes
My sacrifice
My sacrifice

(I just want to
Say hello again)
I just want to
Say hello again

My sacrifice

Sunday, 2003-12-28, 05:27:42 am, @home

The problem is, when coming home by that time, there's simply nothing on television.

Had a real great party-evening/-night. Couldn't have been better. Thanx to all ya guys and gals, especially my dear ones.

Wednesday, 2003-12-24, 02:59:06 pm, @home

kind of words, I was waiting for...

I know I can be a little stubborn sometimes
A little righteous and too proud
I just want to find a way to compromise
Cos I believe that we can work things out

I thought I had all the answers never giving in
But baby since you've gone I admit that I was wrong

All I know is I'm lost without you I'm not gonna lie
How my going to be strong without you I need you by my side
If we ever say we'll never be together and we ended with goodbye
Don't know what I'd do? I'm lost without you
I keep trying to find my way but all I know is I'm lost without you
I keep trying to face the day I'm lost without you

How my ever gonna get rid of these blues
Baby I'm so lonely all the time
Everywhere I go I get so confused
You're the only thing that's on my mind

Oh my beds so cold at night and I miss you more each day
Only you can make it right no I'm not too proud to say

All I know is I'm lost without you I'm not gonna lie
How my going to be strong without you I need you by my side
If we ever say we'll never be together and we ended with goodbye
Don't know what I'd do? I'm lost without you
I keep trying to find my way but all I know is I'm lost without you
I keep trying to face the day I'm lost without you

If I could only hold you now and make the pain just go away
Can't stop the tears from running down my face

All I know is I'm lost without you I'm not gonna lie
How my going to be strong without you I need you by my side
If we ever say we'll never be together and we ended with goodbye
Don't know what I'd do? I'm lost without you
I keep trying to find my way but all I know is I'm lost without you
I keep trying to face the day I'm lost without you

- Delta Goodrem - Lost Without You

Tuesday, 2003-12-23, 01:50:25 am, @home

just came home. headache for roundabout 42 hours now, tonight's wine couldn't change that. it's good to be with friends.

Monday, 2003-12-22, 07:39:27 pm, @home

neither... nor

dunno what to say. dunno what to think either.
glad having gorgeous people around me some time. afraid of not having anyone around. tired of wishing, tired of hoping.

Monday, 2003-12-22, 06:24:46 pm, still @work

why do proverbs always have to be so damn true?!

Sunday, 2003-12-21, 09:18:00 pm, @home

too private; click here to login

Sunday, 2003-12-21, 06:19:35 pm, @ my parents' place

what more could such a birthday bring to you?

Wednesday, 2003-12-10, 01:03:54 am, @home

J. - my therapist!

Why have you done this to me and all the others? I miss ya that much, can't even tell. Unintentionally read one of our aged mailthreads ('00) and hardly could abstain from beginning to cry. Will always keep you in my mind, love ya!

mood: sad.

Monday, 2003-11-03, 12:11:07 am, @home

Probably had one of the most terrific weekends in the past months. Been to Cologne, visited Maike and her roommate. It was a great mixture of party, luxurious meals (opulent breakfasts there :)), fondly people and a bit of alcohol.
It definitely was the right decision to spend my time that way!

Saturday, 2003-09-20, 12:53:51 am, @home

I realized at least one thing tonight:

Sometimes some things might happen, which leave you speechless; you can never ever completely rely on anyone, even though he/she claims -- or by all means told you so -- to be your best friend.

Current mood: not really well.

Wednesday, 2003-09-17, 01:10:18 pm, @work

Listenin' what Chad Kroeger's got to tell:

Since the moment I spotted you
Like walking round with little wings on my shoes
My stomach's filled with the butterflies...
ooo and it's alright
Bouncing round from cloud to cloud
I got the feeling like I'm never going to come down
If I said I didn't like it then you know I'd lied

Every time I try to talk to you
I get tongue-tied
Turns out that everything I say to you
Comes out wrong and never comes out right

So I'll say 'why don't you and I get together
and take on the world and be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again'
So I say 'why don't you and I hold each other
and fly to the moon and straight on to heaven
Cause without you they're never going to let me in'

When's this fever going to break?
I think I've handled more than any man can take
I'm like a love-sick puppy chasing you around
ooo and it's alright
Bouncing round from cloud to cloud
I got the feeling like I'm never going to come down
If said I didn't like it then you know I'd lied

Every time I try to talk to you
I get tongue-tied
Turns out that everything I say to you
Comes out wrong and never comes out right

So I'll say 'why don't you and I get together
and take on the world and be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again'
So I say 'why don't you and I hold each other
and fly to the moon and straight on to heaven
Cause without you they're never going to let me in'

And slowly I begin to realize this is never gonna end
Right about the same you walk by
And I say 'Oh here we go again, oh'

Every time I try to talk to you
I get tongue-tied
Turns out that everything I say to you
Comes out wrong and never comes out right

So I'll say 'why don't you and I get together
and take on the world and be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again'
So I say 'why don't you and I hold each other
and fly to the moon and straight on to heaven
Cause without you they're never going to let me in'

Current mood: dunno!

Saturday, 2003-08-30, 07:36:52 pm, somewhere

Did not write for some weeks now; was busy all the time - well, I still am. Lots of work, even more trouble here and there and again work and trouble. Can't tell I was unhappy the last few weeks, 'cause I never thought about being probably unhappy. I was just too busy getting and keeping my stuff working.

Well, it was a very strange and finally unhappy day today. Today, my parents moved from their house to a new one, just about 700m down the street. Although I left my family's house years ago, it still was kind of "coming home" when I got there. I spent many years there, I fought many fights with my parents, I watched my sister growing up, it was my damn home! The place I could always get to, when I was in trouble or need of anything. I loved that place, I loved it!

The new house is great, sure it is! But it is not the place I mostly grew up. It is not the place I invited my best friends to. It is not the place we had the greatest parties. It is not the place I had my first sex. It is not the place, I know better than my own appartment. And even worse: it is not the place, I'm moving in, I just helped my parents moving in and completely moved out of the old house at the same time. They moved over, I finally moved out. Crazy.

I'd have many things to tell, if I had any idea of what I should think about.

Ever thought of having your brain being emptied?

Richie Sambora says:

Seems like hard times come easy
We do a lot of hanging on these days
But the heart finds a reason
And love always seems to find a way
Even if it hurts

Well, hard times come easy, pretty sure. But where're the reasons, where's the way and when does it stop to hurt? And why the hell do I have to ask my damn heart for the reason? Why can't I just ask Mr. Google for my answers? He knows everthing, he even has to know those answers for my damn simple questions!

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Kid Rock has another story to tell:

Up and down that lonely road of faith
I have been there
Unprepared for the storms and the tides that rise
I've realized one thing, how much I love you
And it hurts to see, to see you cryin'
I believe we can make it through the winds of change

God is great indeed
If you believe, in the everlife
Yeah we gotta
Make some sense of the pieces that we find
And if you just hold on, I wont let ya fall
We can make it through the storms and the winds of change

Though I walk through the valley of darkness
I am not afraid
Cause I know I'm not alone

And if the wind blows east, would you follow me
And if the wind blows north, would ya stay your course
And if the wind blows west, would ya second guess
And if it blows to the south, would you count me out
And if the sun don't shine, would you still be mine
And if the sky turns grey, would you walk away
Would you say I do, if I say I'll be
And walk this road through life with me
You know I love youuuuuu

On this lonely road of faith
On this lonely road of faith

Comment on that:
Faith's great and I'd love to love. But can you love a thing that constantly hurts your brain and heart? I am afraid and I feel like being left alone by my Gods and I feel empty and lost and just like being on a lonely and faithless and neverending road to nowhere.

Well, I assume: nowhere must be right beside hell.

Saturday, 2003-07-26, 01:51:39 am, @home

I assume: being a very good driver means to be able to place your car in a parking-lot, which is just approximately 10 inches larger than your car, after having had about 3 strong cocktails.

I further on assume: being lucky means to find a parking-lot right in front of your apartment and being able to place your car in it.

I define: right now, I'm lucky.

Sunday, 2003-07-13, 03:11:20 pm, @home

I'd have another lyric to post... but let's pass a few more days to quote it here!

Sunday, 2003-07-13, 02:54:13 pm, @home

current mood: angry, very very angry.

can't even tell how much hate I bury in my heart and my head; feelin' misused and misunderstood; when seeing my own writings, one of the latest Bon Jovi tracks occurs to me - quite a great expression for the current situation:

Could I? Should I?
Apologize for sleeping on the couch that night
Staying out too late with all my friends
You found me passed out in the yard again

You cried, I tried
To stretch the truth, but didn't lie
It's not so bad when you think about it

well, well, well... let's have a look how Evanescence would describe that situation

-- Bring me to life --

How can you see into my eyes like open doors
Leading you down into my core
Where I've become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up)
Before I come undone
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I've become

Now that I know what I'm without
You can't just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up)
Before I come undone
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I've become

Frozen inside without your touch without your love darling only you are the life among the dead

All this time I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
Without a thought without a voice without a soul
Don't let me die here
There must be something more
Bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up)
Before I come undone
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I've become

(Bring me to life)
I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside
(Bring me to life)

Tuesday, 2003-07-01, 07:18:37 pm, somewhere/nowhere

... not really feelin' well

Sunday, 2003-06-15, 10:52:29 pm, @home

Does all the joy in my life count as much as the pain in my heart? Does all the action during the days answer the questions in my mind during the nights? Who knows? I don't.

Saturday, 2003-06-14, 02:09:05 am, @home

current mood: confused

Wednesday, 2003-06-04, 12:56:53 am, @home

didn't write for weeks; but I don't sense this online diary as a must-do; I write down some things when I feel like; though, I feel guilty for not recording some thoughts and experiences;

have to think 'bout nyc again for some time now; it is still supposed to be my favourite place of livin' sometime within the next few years; dunno when, even dunno how - but I do know that I achieved almost any aim I really wanted to; gotta think about and work on that; will have to prioritize...
Big lived at 81st and Park; upper westside; I'd be more than glad livin' upper or even lower eastside;

we'll see...

Kid Rock expresses quite alright how I feel like:

I was hiding from the sun once again
I was running from the time my friend
I've lost another war
So, I poured one more
And went home drunk again
She was up when the key hit the lock
And the clock looked at me
Just like the devil in disguise
I saw it in her eyes
She'd be gone before the evenin'

So, I poured another strong one
And chopped a line from here to Texas
Cause I've lost another good one
She's on the midnight train to Memphis

With a brand new start
I swore I'd love from the heart
I meant to change my ways
But I've seen better days
Than the one's that's here this mornin'
With a wife and kids at home
With a job some where on some assembly line
I wish I had that life
I bet you wish you had mine

So, let's pour another tall one
And chop a line from here to Texas
Cause I've lost another good one
She's on the midnight train to Memphis

[David Spade]
Dude, what station is this? K snooze?
Kid Rock I thought he was the American bad ass
He's putting me to sleep. Nudge me if he gets over five decibals.
I knew his first album was a good one

But that's the way I am
And this is how I jam
All across the land from Alabam to bandstand
Doped up rebel with an attitude
So fuck a bitch
So fuck a bitch
So fuck a bitch
I won't switch won't quit my vices
Flip the script cause I'm gonna slice the righteous
Haven't you heard I don't refrain
Free as a bird and so I won't change
Livin it up Givin it up fuckin shit up
I'm gonna run my track from the D to Nantucket
So fuck it - If you don't dig that, you can suck it.

And it don't
And it don't

With an old suitcase, I swear
I'll leave this place
I'll get you back in time
Can't drink you off my mind
So, I'll see you when I'm sober
I been looking for some reasons
But I ain't found one down in Texas
I been changing with the seasons
Walked in a new line back to Memphis.

Sunday, 2003-04-27, 01:47:52 am, @bed

well, time goes by; i'd better say, time flies by.

there're good times and there're bad times.
times of laughter and times of tears.
times of joy and times of pain.

why all the ups and downs? why does it have to be so difficult? so different every day? why are friends only friends, when they're friends? why?

Wednesday, 2003-03-19, 02:15:59 am, @home

feeling so damn lucky; got some very good news today - both personal and vocational

Tuesday, 2003-03-11, 01:24:11 am, @home

hum. sort of strange things sometimes occur.
we actually planned to play some batches of billiard at p1-hall, unfortunately we forgot to make a reservation for a table; in a sudden explosion of creativity, we dicided to make it to Munich for a quick trip into the Hard Rock Cafe ;- ) that really was spontaneous! :)
heading for bed now, nighty-night.

Friday, 2003-03-07, 12:46:57 pm, @work

why does it feel so bad?
why does it hurt so long'n'deeply?
why do I feel so damn emptied?

Friday, 2003-03-07, 01:53:15 am, @home

well, well, well; I really don't know what to think and even less what to do; it's hard to do the right things and it's even harder not to do the wrong

Tuesday, 2003-03-04, 12:07:55 pm, @work

mostly dead.

Friday, 2003-02-28, 06:27:44 pm, @home

weeks ago, I was afraid of falling back, afraid of being weak; days ago I felt weak but wanted to change things back, to switch back to harmonious times; OMD once told us:

and it's a long long way, from where you want to be
and it's a long long road, but you're too blind to see

too blind to see the obvious?!

Tuesday, 2003-02-04, 10:25:15 pm, @home

where have the incredible days gone? afraid of falling back. hard to remain silent.

Saturday, 2003-01-25, 03:59:46 pm, @home


Tuesday, 2002-11-19, 07:48:04 pm, @denver

first Denver-pics online...

Sunday, 2002-11-17, 10:11:16 pm, @denver

well, I'm so damn-tired; being in Denver for 3 days now, I feel like being on vacation for nearly a whole week; we're having so much fun, I really enjoy this time, though I feel guilty 'cause I'm not with my family now...

Saturday, 2002-11-02, 01:16:40 pm, @home

pictures of X-Mas 2001 in New York City and a few days in Los Angeles now online; have fun :)

Wednesday, 2002-10-30, 11:12:12 pm, @home

feeling strange but better, much better; being tired now;

Wednesday, 2002-10-30, 11:03:06 pm, @home

too private; click here to login

Tuesday, 2002-10-29, 04:28:37 pm, @office

pictures of my last US-trip now online - "vacations", "USA summer 2002"; have fun :)

Monday, 2002-10-28, 12:59:19 am, @home

baby you can do it, come on!

Sunday, 2002-10-27, 01:31:00 pm, @home

Bon Jovi - With A Little Help From My Friends

What would you do if I sang out of tune
Would you stand up and walk out on me
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song
I'll try not to sing out of key

Oh, I'll get by with a little help from my friends
Yes, I'll get high with a little help from my friends
I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends

What do I do when my love - she's away
(Does it worry you to be alone)
How do I feel by the end of the day
(Are you sad becaouse you're on your own

Oh, I'll get by with a little help from my friends
Yes, I'll get high with a little help from my friends
I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends

Baby I don't know
Baby I don't know

Oh, I'll get by with a little help from my friends
Yes, I'll get high with a little help from my friends
I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends

Do you need anybody
I just need somebody to love
Could it be anybody
I want somebody to love

Could you believe in the love at first sight
Yes, I'm certain it happens all the time
What do you see when you turn off the light
I can't tell you but I'm sure I feel nice

Oh, I'll get by with a little help from my friends
Yes, I'll get high with a little help from my friends
I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends

Do you need anybody
I just need somebody to love
Could it be anybody
Baby I don't know
Baby I don't know

Oh, I'll get by with a little help from my friends
Yes, I'll get high with a little help from my friends
I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends

Saturday, 2002-10-26, 12:41:42 pm, @home

some things are way too private to be written down somewhere; not on papers, not in databases, not on hidden or protected websites; they'd better be kept in people's minds; can't describe anything today;

Friday, 2002-10-25, 04:22:09 pm, @work


Friday, 2002-10-25, 01:24:10 pm, @work

too private; click here to login

Friday, 2002-10-25, 03:12:54 am, @home

too private; click here to login

Friday, 2002-10-25, 03:08:30 am, @home

I decided to start writing down some of my more private thoughts, but making them only viewable for authenticated users;test

Thursday, 2002-10-24, 02:02:54 am, @home

shame on you if you fool me once
shame on me if you fool me twice

well, feelin' sad and free the same moment; I can see new times approaching; heading to bed with my laptop instead of my girlfriend; heading to bed being sad instead of being in trouble; is it right? I am right, that's what I know, that's what I've been told a hundred times

Just as I thought it was going alright
I find out I'm wrong,
When I thought I was right
It's always the same, it's just a shame, that's all
I could say day, you'd say night
You tell me it's black when I know that it's white
It's always the same, it's just a shame, that's all


Wednesday, 2002-10-23, 01:30:30 am, @home

just made it home a few mins ago; what I wanna say right now:
this is my diary, these are my thoughts! I don't want to be faced with 'em by no one except by myself;

what I learned today:

it's my life
it's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
'cause it's my life.

yeah, that's exactly what I think and feel; now, then and everytime; that doesn't mean there's no space and time for anyone else, no! it just means that life's too short not to live it.

sweet dreams.

uhm, Cathy... you might be right.

Tuesday, 2002-10-22, 05:44:39 pm, @office

waitin' 'til friday.

Sunday, 2002-10-06, 02:38:02 am, @home

When danger becomes a temptation
When every move brings you closer to the edge
When you live each day like it's your last
There's a surprise around every curve.

Sunday, 2002-10-06, 12:59:03 am, @home

have to write some stuff now;

what are the most important things I expect of a relationship?

I need my relationship to be stable and certain; I already had some consisting of sex and nothing but sex; what I need now is a warm and safe place to call home, a place to come to and feel either harbored and anticipated; I don't want to come to that place and get into even more trouble I had outside;

I need to be sure it is understood what I am saying, thinking and doing; I need my freedom to do my stuff; that does not mean I won't be able to love while those times; I surely do;

probably the most important thing; I can't either live nor love while being afraid of being lied to; those lies made unintentionally aren't that bad, but they're not okay anyhow;

I need my partner to be also my best friend; to talk and laugh about love, life, sex and everything; I am a very cheerful and open-minded person, laughing and joking almost the whole day; how could a snowball survive in hell or some drops of water in the dry county?

need I say more? there can't be any kind of relationship without trust!

oh, there are much more things a relationship needs, I'm pretty sure 'bout that; maybe I wanna name some of them another day...

Tuesday, 2002-08-27, 07:02:55 pm, @home

one of the most exciting things about being home again is the fabulous toilet paper there :)

i'm very tired now, going to sleep after some 27 hours of travelling around the globe; will leave for italy the upcoming night...

Monday, 2002-08-19, 02:42:06 pm, @Las Vegas


Sunday, 2002-08-18, 07:26:16 am, @Las Vegas

okay, we're currently in Las Vegas after we stayed on Wilshire in Beverly Hills last night; we were in Death Valley today, incredible hot! we somehow landed in a small village southeast of Death Valley in which we had some of our most funny adventures the last days; wanna have a look at Shoshone's website?! Go here... :-)
also incredible is our current location here; we've got a little suite with

a kitchen
a refrigerator with ice-crusher
a cooker
a living-room with couch, TV and VCR
2 bedrooms with TV and alltogether 3 kingsize beds
2 bathrooms
i think i like it... :)

miss my dear though... :-/

Saturday, 2002-08-17, 03:55:11 am, @LA

got on board a westbound 767; finally made it to LA...
almost forgot how great life's here; we're completely overwhelmed, although it's not half as hot as it was in NY a few hours ago...
oh yeah, we've been to a great bar last night, was really cool there; dark, loud, crowded, nice...

made a decision
made some conclusions
learned several things

Tuesday, 2002-08-13, 07:11:15 am, @Times Square, NY

just added a picture taken @ Times Square with a webcam located in an internet-cafe... :)

Saturday, 2002-08-10, 09:19:12 pm, @Columbus Circle, NY

greetings from New York City, the city that never sleeps; havin' great times here but missin' my honey at home; had a very strange experience at the airport yesterday - much to strange to tell; NY's great, took already some 100 pictures :)

Tuesday, 2002-08-06, 05:16:47 pm, @office

well, well, well... just two days and some hours to go...

what happened the last days and weeks? i don't even know; cocktail-party was quite fine, not too many and not too few people came, having a nice evening :)

will go home any minute now, spending some time relaxing and feeling just well :)

will tell more the next days and also while being in the United States...


Sunday, 2002-07-21, 06:26:34 am, @home

i'm tired, heading for bed now.

Saturday, 2002-07-20, 04:21:59 am, @home

phew, didn't write for some time; was quite busy, working, loving and living; made some major changes to my website; relaunched beta-release of the picturebook, revitalized the quotation-interface, trying to harmonize the site, obtaining the same layout and style throughout the hole site;

well, was to diploma-party of Katrin, nothing very special but nice :)

planning a cocktail-party on the first weekend of august, we'll see...

Wednesday, 2002-07-03, 11:13:44 pm, @office

gotta do a system-change; feeling so damn-fuckin' sick :-( headache, heavy weakness, can hardly lift my arms; what's happening to me?

Tuesday, 2002-07-02, 12:39:42 am, @home

you believe in soulmates? someone you know and love that much, you can't be together with?

Monday, 2002-07-01, 03:54:54 pm, @work

horrible times; wondering whether i can stand it some more or not; whether the point of no return has been crossed or not; whether or not?! that's the question; who knows the answer, who gives advise?

Sunday, 2002-06-30, 11:55:50 pm, @home

having headache, got drunk tonight; been to one of the best parties the last months, 'Alstadtfest Lauf' with Gernot, Lisa and Holger (friend of 'em); oh, how i love that celebratory! :) seeing old friends, enemies, folks... ppl i haven't seen for years now; i was a bit drunk tonight, okay, but it was a great evening though.

i saw and talked to many ppl of my past; Susi, Gaelle Laurent, who i haven't seen for at least 2 or 3 years now; i last saw her at a wine-celebratory in nuernberg; Basti, who i haven't seen since graduation; the highlight at least was Catherine; i also haven't seen her for at least 6 years now; she developed from a crazy teenager to a crazy and attractive woman, studying in munich; oh, how we had fun in our clique in our youth; time goes by way too fast; i'd like to enjoy my youth one more time, but all i can do now is living my life, cause it's my life...

oh, did i mention, we'll see Aerosmith in New Jersey on 2002/08/13 ?! :)


Thursday, 2002-06-20, 10:29:54 pm, @home

sitting outside, at my terrace now; was *very* warm the last few days, but i like that really much; this evening, a little thunderbold occurred, wasn't too bad, the air is quite fresh right now;

oh, what do i have to tell?! well, not much :) feeling happy the last days, lots of work, lots of harmony, lots of love... tomorrow we gonna celebrate midsummer night at baunach, near bamberg..
oh, i'm really lookin' forward to august 9th;

well, well, well i'm a bit tired, a bit drunk; been to a little barbecue of #52 this evening, got 2 beer and drinkin' a caipirinha now; how i love that drink... :)
okay, i think i gotta go inside now; the one cat is waiting for me, the other one is coming any minute now

Monday, 2002-06-17, 04:18:46 pm, @work

at the moment we have 29.6°C (85.28°F) INSIDE the office...

Sunday, 2002-06-16, 08:51:18 pm, @home

learned several things last weekend:

  • you never know what's coming up when you arrive at a party
  • you shouldn't count your chickens before they are hatched
  • make your priorities clear (even if it's hard)
  • change your mind
  • don't be afraid of it, just do it! no, it's not a nike-commercial... :)
  • it's not unlikely to be surprized, it can happen!

    well, was at a party in bubenreuth on friday; young people there, was a great evening, much fun, very much alcoholics; i feel like having my second youth when being there; just having great times, nothing else; not being involved in feelings-stuff; it's just fun

    btw, still 53days, 9hours and some mins to go 'til our aircraft leaves the ground; i need some holiday so badly, i can't even tell...

    well, well... kathas birthday yesterday; began a bit slow, a bit too slow as far as i'm concerned; well, got better later; much Tequila, some waterpipe...

    oh, there was another party yesterday, i forgot: birthday of some colleagues; did a nice barbecue 'til it began to rain cats and dogs; we escaped

    gotta do a bit slower the upcoming days... :)

    Thursday, 2002-06-13, 02:25:47 am, @home

    got home late at night; thinkin' 'bout some things; what's life about? is it about workin' for it? is it about livin' it? is it about sharin' it? or about something else? what is life about? where am i heading? where's my life leading me to? is it a location? or a feelin'?

    come on over, have some fun, dacin' in the morning sun; look into the bright blue sky, come on let your spirit fly;

    i just feel like that; livin', lovin' and feelin'; having fun, doing what life brings up next; not just waiting for a reason to celebrate, just celebrating to have the reason

    just another lucky day, no one makes me feel this way; watch the waves and feel the sand, kiss me now and take my hand

    i wanna wake up in the morning, thinkin' of what a great day is coming up; thinkin' of great things to do; thinkin' of wonderous moments to occur and share with others; havin' fun, just feeling allright

    all the tears i've cried before, they can't touch me anymore; now that you are by my side, it's all i need to know

    i think there's at least one person out there who fits your needs; you gotta find him/her, you gotta hold him/her; never let him/her go again; but what about your life-plans? what's more important - your life and its plans and needs? your family, friends and all beloved ones? i really don't know; in the end, i'd like my environment to fit my dreams :) i'd like to be able to fulfill my dreams without givin' up anything i got so far; what about priorities?

    just another lucky day, no one make me feel this way

    well, that's true so far; the few, the very few and very small not perfect things are about to get solved; workin' on it; so, is life about to work on it? do i have to change my life and its surroundings? hard job :) i think i don't have to, i can't; but i can help, i can give pointers towards the right direction; but what's eventually right? and wrong?

    you see, life is everything else than easy; not even easy like sunday morning, espacially if it's thursday and it's late at night :)

    good night

    Saturday, 2002-06-08, 03:49:08 am, @home

    thinkin bout some more things... missin or not? i think i do, but i miss much more.

    dont wanna be alone but i dont wanna be sad either; who can show me the way? far or near? left or right? up or down? okay, always upstairs, of course :) but here or there? cant i be everywhere?

    Saturday, 2002-06-08, 03:43:37 am, @home

    took a quick look at cathys diary, therefore writin this entry in english :)

    got home a few mins ago, been to munich for breakfast (strange time, you think? no, it is not! :))

    of course it only sucks _sometimes_, right... but it definitely does! okay, great adventure... i got a good graphic card, too... but what about the joystick? is there no video-accelerator? where do i get the cheat-codes? an adventure game is run by me, but i feel like i am being run by the game; i feel like Guybrush Threepwood :)

    headin forward, makin plans, throwin them away, makin new ones, reconfigurin, thinkin, comparin... where am i goin? who am i? why am i here? forget the question - someone gimme another beer...

    good night :)

    Friday, 2002-06-07, 01:46:17 am, @home

    ueberall nur fussball, ich krieg die kriese... waren heute im druckhaus und danach bei katrin wein trinken, hatte heute die wonderwall-cd auf dem radio-server gefunden und gebrannt, echt geil :) morgen geht es vermutlich nach muenchen, mal schauen...

    Wednesday, 2002-06-05, 07:17:32 pm, @work

    ... unfassbar, echt unfassbar...

    Wednesday, 2002-06-05, 06:35:58 pm, @work

    seufts; langer tag, stundenlange meetings; von erfolg gekroent; mag heim und schlafen... seufts.

    Tuesday, 2002-06-04, 12:40:29 am, @home

    seufts; also manchmal verstehe ich wirklich die welt um mich herum nicht mehr; who am i, why am i here? forget the question, someone gimme another beer; die letzten wochen waren ziemlich geladen, voller spannungen der verschiedendsten arten; viel auf dem berg, die verfolgungsjagd mit 3 streifenwagen, star wars episode II; es ist manchmal wirklich komisch und dennoch ebenso schoen wie auch einfach, die guten freunde auf einmal direkt vor der nase zu entdecken, obwohl sie schon seit langer, langer zeit genau dort waren; naja, irgenwie kann man es nicht allen recht machen, hauptsache ich mache es mir selbst recht; ich lebe, ich bin (noch) jung, ich will mein leben geniessen, alles ERleben, neue dinge, neue situationen; ich will mich fordern und ich will gefordert werden; ich will und brauche menschen um mich herum, die mich fordern und die mich noch ueberraschen koennen; ueberrascht werde ich immer wieder von dem dummen walter, eine etage ueber mir; ich sollte ihm ein eigenes forum widmen, damit ich noch in einigen jahren herzhaft ueber ihn lachen kann; aber eigentlich ist er das auch nicht wert; ein zurueckgebliebener stuemperhafter trottel; ein richtig typisch deutscher spiesser; seufts; bin jetzt muede, werde gleich schlafen gehen; nacht!

    Wednesday, 2002-05-01, 02:41:20 am, @home

    sometimes, things aint funny; sometimes, things aint easy; sometimes you aint go t nothing do but make yourself feel alright; was will ich damit sagen? manchmal versteht man die welt nicht mehr; manchmal ist alles so verquer, dass man weder aus noch ein weiss; alles ist irgendwie komisch, verdreht, nichts passt zusammen ; ein haufen von 10.000 puzzle-teilen, die man hingeschmissen bekommt, man soll sie zusammensetzen, kennt jedoch nicht das gesamtbild und man weiss auch nicht, ob alle puzzle-teile vorhanden sind; viel spass dabei; live goes on, somehow; na ja, was ist sonst los? war heute auf dem hosen-konzert; vip.-loge der telekom in der arena; nett :) ansonten ist morgen (heute) fahrt in den mai, viel weiter ka nn ich derzeit nicht denken, alles zukuenftige ist irgendwie total wage; weiter (nach oben?) geht es immer; nacht!

    Tuesday, 2002-04-09, 02:49:49 am, @home

    kann nicht schlafen; war bis vorhin bei mrs. ulysses, konnte aber einfach nicht einschlafen, mir geht zu viel im kopf herum; keine beziehungsprobleme, etliches anderes zeugs; ich weiss auch nicht; ich muesste einfach mal wieder eine weile hier weg; einfach raus, 3-4 wochen alleine sein, niemanden sehen und ausspannen; das muss doch irgendwie moeglich sein; naja, vielleicht habe ich irgendwann mal viel zeit dafuer

    Sunday, 2002-03-24, 03:10:30 am, @home

    kennt das ausser mir noch jemand: staendig verliert die bettdecke ihre konfiguration und moechte administriert werden; spaetestens alle 2 tage dreht und wendet sich das innenfutter der bettwaesche hervorragend hin und her, so dass sie so ueberhaupt nicht mehr passt; man zieht und zerrt des nachts dann an dem waermenden stueck, doch man wird nur von einem leichten stofffetzen (nach neuer rechtsschreibverdrehung mit 3 f!) bedeckt, das futter kringelt sich irgendwo unter dem grossen zeh oder hinter dem arsch; ein trauerspiel; nach 3-4 tagen dann bleibt einem nur noch eine vollstaendige de- und anschliessende neuinstallation als rettungsmassnahme, um wieder in den genuss einer funktionalen bettdecke zu kommen; ich hasse das; hatte heute einen mehr als ausgefuellten tag; am spaeten vormittag aufgestanden, dann zu joern gefahren, um ihm beim streichen zu helfen, doch es war natuerlich das reinste chaos; entgegen der versprechungen war selbstverstaendlich nichts vorbereitet, also erstmal zum obi; seufts; dann stundenlang gestrichen, dann ins cc42, dann heim, duschen, coyote, rofa, heim; morgen erstmal um 11 mit tanja fruehstuecken, dann ausruhen :) dann auto zeigen, dann zu den eltern, essen, evtl. kommt dann noch katrin vorbei; also auch ein ausgefuellter tag; ich gehe nun erstmal mit der decke kaempfen; heute verliert sie

    Wednesday, 2002-03-20, 03:59:59 pm, @office

    puh, 2 monate nix geschrieben; was war los?! katrin und ralf beide wieder in nuernberg, waren ziemlich viel unterwegs; mittlerweile kann man sich auch mal wieder vor die tuere trauen, ohne angst haben zu muessen, den kaeltetod zu sterben; skifahren in oe. war klasse; wollen jetzt privat auch mal wieder was aufziehen; inlinern; kino; essen; rofa; kerstin diesen monat im lande, hat sich gar nicht veraendert :) hab letzte woche in der rofa ziemlich abgesahnt; karten gewonnen, getraenkegutscheine, basecap, portable cd- und mp3-disk-player; nunja; wird zeit, mal schauen...

    Saturday, 2002-01-19, 08:53:22 pm, @home

    scheisse euro; klar, es gibt keine preiserhoehung nach einfuehrung des euro - wer soll das denn noch glauben?! irgendwie ist alles teurer geworden; auf der anderen seite wieder ist es total verwirrend; ich stand letzte woche in einem comet-markt an der kasse, mit einer packung spaghetti, knoblauch und noch irgendwas beladen; ich wuehlte in meiner tasche nach kleingeld und zaehlte: 2, 4, 6 euro - naja, wird schon reichen, ich konnte den wert einfach ueberhaupt nicht mehr abschaetzen; was hat es dann gekostet?! 2 euro 27; perfekt
    ich gehe gleich mit katrin in die rofa - seit langer zeit das erste mal, dass ich mich dort sehen lasse; eigentlich haette ich total oft lust hinzugehen, doch ich kann mich entweder nicht aufraffen, oder aber ich habe schlicht keine zeit - komisch; hey, ich war heute das erste mal seit 1996 wieder skifahren; hat ganz gut geklappt, ich musste ja ueben, weil es mitte februar fuer ein wochenende nach oesterreich geht :))

    Thursday, 2002-01-10, 11:53:38 am, @work

    freunde; was sind sie eigentlich?! sind die wirklichen freunde die alten freunde?! oder sind es die neuen freunde?! das kann man so wohl nicht klassifizieren; sind es die partner?! oder die freunde, die mit einem um die haeuser ziehen?! oder die, die unverhofft auf dem geburtstag auftauchen, obwohl man nicht damit rechnete, sich aber darueber immens freut?! oder sind es die, die man gerne sehen wollte, es ihnen mehrfach sagte und die dennoch weder kamen noch sich meldeten?! sind es die, die sagen, sie seien stets da?! oder sind es die, die es wirklich sind?! sind die wirkliche freunde, die sehen, fuehlen und merken, was los ist, wie es einem geht und die ihre tueren oeffnen?! oder die, dies es tun sollten, aber nicht dran denken?! vermutlich denken sie dran, wollen es aber nicht; vermutlich verlange ich einfach zu viel; ehrlichkeit, offenheit und aufrichtigkeit wird halt heutzutage nicht mehr allzu gross geschrieben; verraten und verkauft; perfekt

    Wednesday, 2002-01-09, 01:10:00 am, @home

    manchmal (haeufig) gibt es momente im leben eines mannes (zumindest ist es bei mir so), in denen man zurueckblickt und versucht, zu resuemieren, was man von seinen sich gesetzten zielen erreichhat, welche ziele man aktuell noch hat und welche man sich noch stecken kann und mag; warum haben wir ziele? nach welchen gesichtspunkten suchen wir sie aus? suchen wir sie ueberhaupt aus, oder tauchen sie einfach irgendwann am horizont des lebens auf und warten sehnlichst auf erfuellung? was ist der sinn des lebens? kann das leben einen ueberhaupt einen anderen sinn haben, als fuer sich selbst stets und immerzu das beste aus allem und jedem moment zu machen?! was, wenn wir falsch liegen? wenn unsere achso wichtigen wuensche sich als irrtum herausstellen? gibt es einen weg zurueck? immer? nie? gute nacht.

    Friday, 2002-01-04, 01:07:26 pm, @la

    things might change...

    Tuesday, 2001-12-25, 03:43:46 pm, @ny

    heya; viele gruesse an dieser stelle aus ny! wetter ist genial, wenn auch eisig kalt; waren schon an/bei/auf: empire state building, madison square garden, ground zero, little italy, chinatown, 5th ave., central park, financial district, upper west-side, macys, ... besonders bemerkenswert ist echt, dass ununterbrochen die sonne scheint - echt der hammer; ich gruesse alle daheimgebliebenen :)

    Wednesday, 2001-12-19, 01:51:40 am, @home

    auf wunsch von dani gibt es explizit fuer sie einen neuen eintrag :) dani ist ein mensch aus meiner vergangenheit, wie ich leider an dieser stelle resuemieren muss; wir lernten uns wohl irgendwann 1991 kennen, als ich nach bayern kam; aber gekannt haben wir uns da noch lange nicht; sie war halt einfach da, ein netter und liebenswerter mensch, der immer irgendwo auftauchte und zu der clique gehoerte, in der auch ich ab und an herumhing; wir fuhren scharenweise immer sommer zelten, spielten des oefteren auf dem grossen rasen meiner eltern volleyball, trollten im freibad herum, gingen billard spielen (damals noch mit sb :))... alles, was man im jugendlichen-alter halt so macht; im fruehjahr und sommer 1994 machten wir wohl gemeinsam den fuehrerschein und verdienten uns das noetige kleingeld durch ferienarbeit beim bueschel in schwaig :) gott, waren das noch zeiten... wir fingen teilweise morgens um 6:00 an und arbeiteten bis 18:00 durch, um dann direkt zu theorie zu radeln :) mitten in der kollegstufe verschwand dani dann leider irgendwie und ging ihren weg, leider ist sie auch recht selten hier um die ecke anzutreffen und man sieht sich eher selten zwischendurch mal... schade und irgendwie nur schweren herzens zu ertragen; da war zwischen uns niemals etwas, was der volkmund wohl als beziehung bezeichnen wuerde (und das ist gut so), dennoch empfand ich es manchmal als etwas besonderes; dani ist ein mensch, den man einfach liebhaben muss, etwas stressig, wenn man es hasst, staendig schluessel zu suchen und in tueren einbrechen zu muessen oder ein chaotisches leben zu fuehren, aber einfach ein mensch, von dem man sich denkt, schoen, dass er da ist :) ich freue mich schon auf den naechsten abend zusammen bei einem glas rotwein... :) was gibt es denn sonst noch zu berichten?! ich bin vorhin erst vom badminton gekommen, habe mich noch ziemlich lange mit ch. unterhalten, die ueblichen themen halt; grad laeuft oliver geissen auf rtl, eines der ueblichen themen: ich bin zu fett; gott, wer kann sowas denn noch sehen?! ich frage mich, ob die menschen allen ernstes keine anderen probleme haben; naja, uebermorgen ist geburtstag, ich will nicht schon wieder aelter werden, schrecklich das; dafuer geht es am samstag endlich ab nach ny; ich bin froh, wenn ich mal ein paar tage (sind gleich ueber 2 wochen) wirklich ruhe habe, kein handy, keine mails... naja, dauert ja nicht mehr lange; bis zum naechsten mal, ciaoi...

    Friday, 2001-12-14, 12:57:46 am, @home

    hatte grad ein mal so richtig klasse erlebnis der besonderen art; komme von der noris-weihnachtsfeier nach hause (war total klasse dort, btw; mathias war krass besoffen, hat nur noch schraege lieder mit dem buchhalter getraellert und ist dann mit ker heimgefahren; selbst torsten war gut angeheitert; orkun und grafixx sind gemeinsam verschwunden, uhoh... ) und will meine haustuere oeffnen: schluessel passt, schliesst aber nicht, laesst sich einfach nicht drehen; habe den ersatzschluessel organisiert, schliesst auch nicht; bin zur tanke gelaufen und habe verschiedene schluesseldienste angerufen, entweder nicht erreichbar oder grad kein auto da, so dass bis morgen niemand kommen kann; bin zurueck zum haus gelaufen, nochmal mehrmals die schluessel probiert, dann bei 3 wohnungen in den unteren stockwerken geklingelt: macht keiner auf; dann endlich die polizei angerufen und mitgeteilt, dass mir kalt ist und ich langsam die tuere eintrete; 5min spaeter tauchte eine streife auf und klingelte alle wohnungen durch, bis schliesslich der eckart von ganz oben oder so runter kam und aufmachte; prima sache, echt... bin total durchgefroren bis auf das blut und echt genervt; der vermieter wird fein was zu hoeren bekommen morgen; achja, der schluessel vom eckart ging auch nicht :) naechste woche samstag geht es auf nach new york und danach nach los angeles; weihnachten in ny, endlich! :)

    Sunday, 2001-11-25, 03:03:20 am, @home

    es laeuft... bin muede, kann aber nicht schlafen, whg braucht hinten und vorne noch ueberall was; Jackies geburtstag war, ny und la kam ganz gut an, hoffe ich; war echt nicht leicht, das monatelang geheimzuhalten; kann es nun kaum noch erwarten; vielleicht bleiben wir gleich da?! :)

    Tuesday, 2001-11-06, 06:44:06 pm, @work

    puh, einen monat lang nichts mehr eingetragen; ziemlich lange zeit; wohnung ist bezogen, befindet sich noch ziemlich im umbau und in der einrichtungsphase; mumpf fuehlt sich auch schon relativ wohl, bringt alles durcheinander und macht alles immer mal wieder kaputt :) war eine woche in bad neuenahr auf schulung; hotel und schulung selbst waren prima, kaum moeglich, nun alles umzusetzen; die letzten wochen waren ziemlich durchwachsen, privat wie beruflich; habe lea naeher kennengelernt; ansonsten schon mehrere kDM in die neue wohnung gesteckt *seufts*; keinen ueberblick mehr ueber meine finanzen, muss in ein paar monaten mal wieder schauen, wo ich stehe :) ich sehne mich schon langsam dem jahresende entgegen, irgendwie ist mein ganzes leben mal wieder im umbruch..

    Monday, 2001-09-24, 11:01:12 pm, @home

    countdown laeuft, noch 5 tage bis zur wohnung :)

    Sunday, 2001-09-23, 01:11:31 am, @home

    war heute mit michi weg (billard); haben uns fast vier jahre nicht mehr gesehen; puh :) habe gestern, respektive vorgestern, mietvertrag unterschrieben, gaertnerstrasse hat nun doch noch geklappt... infinite justice wird wohl bald losgehen, bush hat donnerstag nacht den congress und sein land nochmal beschwoert; es gibt wohl mal wieder leute, die sich fuer etwas besseres halten, mich regt das echt ohne ende auf...

    Sunday, 2001-09-16, 04:46:16 am, @home

    am letzten dienstag (2001-09-11) ist das WTC und das pentagon in den USA von einem terroristischen anschlag getroffen worden; WTC ist ganz zerstoert; tausende sind tot; ich bin total betroffen, habe angst vor dem, was weiter passiert; ich bin fuer einen massiven vergeltungsschlag, jedoch gezielt gegen den globalen terrorismus; diesem muss das handwerk gelegt und er dauerhaft unterbunden werden; vielleicht -- so hoffe ich -- laesst sich dann in 50 oder 100 jahren sagen, dass diese anschlaege der anfang vom ende des terrorismus waren; sind vorletzte woche mit den bueros umgezogen, bin nun ganz hinten :) war heute mit tschenz erst kurz im maze und dann im lederer; haben stundenlang philosofiert und im wahrsten sinne des wortes ueber gott und die welt geredet; habe lange nicht mehr eine so angeregte und erweckende diskussion gehabt :) morgen schauen wir nochmal wegen wohnungen, meine wird nun endlich frei...

    Tuesday, 2001-08-21, 07:55:22 pm, @work

    habe die wohnung doch nicht bekommen, sondern jemand anderes; seufts, wer muss denn schon mit einem abgeschlossenen studium noch seine eltern fuer seine mietzahlungen buergen lassen?! seufts, seufts; weitersuchen...

    Sunday, 2001-08-19, 01:32:59 pm, @home

    habe gestern eine wohnung angeschaut, werde sie wohl nehmen; freitag war rockenbrunner kirchweih, ist ewigkeiten her, dass ich das letzte mal dort war; gestern kino (schuh des manitu) mit tschenz und sus in erlangen, dann kurz #nuernberg-cp, um festzustellen, dass es echt peinlich war; es wird niemals wieder so wie 99; dann kurz rofa; will nicht anrufen, werde es aber wohl wieder doch tun, denn ich kann nicht anders; morgen ist gue wieder da; jetzt gleich wird schumi erstmal weltmeister...

    Tuesday, 2001-08-07, 12:36:36 am, @home

    stress, was auch sonst; gue ist im urlaub, doch das ist nicht mal das schlimmste; geht sonst alles drunter und drueber - ist ja aber nichts neues :) war ende juli in mailand, das zeug von #52 holen, wohnung noch nichts neues, irgendwie wird das wohl nie was; in meiner wohnt noch die dingens drin und jackies wohnung wurde ungefragt weitervermietet; schrott, alles schrott; mumpf entwickelt sich zur kampfkatze, wird immer flinker, mutiger und frecher :) habe zzt das haus fuer mich; nervig alles zu hueten, aber fein, ruhe zu haben; waren am samstag mit som und ralf in nuernberg unterwegs; angeblich soll es bald ein 5-jahres-abi-treffen geben; keine ahnung, ob ich die leute alle sehen will; sehen vielleicht sch mal wieder, doch reden nicht; naja, reden vielleicht auch mal wieder, aber sonst?! ich weiss nicht, ich lasse es -- wie uebelich -- alles mal auf mich zukommen; bekomme immer noch ein fruehstueck von angra, sollte an dieser stelle mal festgehalten werden :) so, ich werde mich dann bald mal in mein bettchen schmeissen; nacht

    Friday, 2001-07-13, 07:12:45 pm, @work

    habe eine ganze weile schon wieder nichts geschrieben; seit genau 4 wochen, seit fast einem monat; jackie hat alles hinter sich und ist -- natuerlich :) -- genommen worden; bald geht es dann nach nuernberg; ich warte auch nur noch drauf, dass meine wohnung bald endlich mal frei wird :) werde anfang naechster woche nach italien fahren - arbeit; jackie ist grad in florenz; zumindest glaube ich, dass es florenz ist; sie ist erst seit dienstag weg und kommt auch schon morgen abend wieder, doch ich vermisse sie; habe mir vorgestern endlich wieder ein fahrrad gekauft; wieder ein marin (rocky ridge); bin auch vorgestern gleich damit heimgefahren und gestern wieder damit ins buero; werde heute wieder mit dem rad heimfahren; habe eh kein auto da; so komme ich endlich mal wieder in form; badminton geht auch immer besser; letzten samstag haben jackie und ich gespielt; sollten wir auch mal oefters machen - war toll; sonntag waren wir mit tschenzi und sus in shrek im cinestar in erlangen; der film ist echt prima :) tsja, ich werde mich dann hier auch bald mal loseisen, den stress hinter mir lassen und mich auf den heimweg machen;

    Friday, 2001-06-15, 06:49:20 am, @home

    bin immer noch von gestern wach; vorgestern hatte tschenz geburtstag, so dass wir gestern abend im napoli in erlangen essen waren; jackie war nicht mit; ich war die ganze nacht wach und habe an rechnern gebastelt und programmiert und mails geschrieben und gegruebelt; hey, ich habe seit letzten donnerstag endlich meine mumpf :) gott, ist das ein wirbelwind; noch total jung und wahnsinnig quirlig; ich habe kratzer ohne ende am ganzen koerper; immer wenn ich am rechner sitze, springt sie auf meinen schoss und macht es sich da gemuetlich oder huepft auf dem schreibtisch rum; heute ist geburtstag von katha; weiss noch nicht, ob ich hingehen werde; wuerde schon wirklich gerne - ma gucken

    Sunday, 2001-06-03, 10:17:44 am, @rip

    haben grad neben a-ha gefruehstueckt :); wetter freitag war wenigstens trocken; gestern hat es die ganze zeit geschifft; alanis morissette war genial (zweite reihe); manic street preachers waren ebenso okay wie auch echt und travis, sonst alles bislang mittelmaessig; heute sind briskeby, toploader, anastacia, him, reamonn und a-ha dran; mittlerweile scheint auch mal die sonne; cya!

    Thursday, 2001-05-31, 09:14:04 pm, @work

    puh, habe schon laenger nichts mehr eingetragen; warum nur?! keine ahnung, kaum zeit, viel stress, viel zu tun, wohnungssuche, viel mit ms. ulysses unterwegs; habe eventuell eine passende wohnung gefunden; werden sie morgen nochmal zusammen anschauen; am wochenende ist rock im park, wird sicher geil; ich warte noch auf eine zahl von i. und so... ich muss wissen, wie es im september ausschaut; kfz hat sich auch nur bedingt geklaert, haengt ebenfalls davon ab; haben letztens mal wieder mit christian, katrin und som dsa gespielt, war aber viel zu spaet in der nacht und alle schon total muede; wollen wir bald wiederholen; heute hat der berg in erlangen angefangen; mal schauen, ob es wieder ein besaeufnis gibt; waren letzte woche schon zum fruehstuecken mit guenthi, ela, charmer, achim, fany und so weiter dort; danach dann mit guenthi und ela im westbad und dann noch in den buergerstuben essen; *schlemm*; in einer stunde kommt ms. ulysses an; *drauffreu*; it can always get worse, but life goes on; cya

    Saturday, 2001-05-19, 03:01:29 pm, @Ms. Ulysses

    first time, first love - oh what feeling is this, electricity flows; wunderbarer tag heute; bis auf meinen dad ist alles bestens; ich brauche dringend eine neue wohnung; habe gestern mit andrea gesprochen; dienstag ist ein meeting mit ingo und joern; abwarten; auto ist bald voll im arsch; schwinge am rechten vorderrad wahrscheinlich kaputt; ziemlich gefaehrlich; haben gestern wohnung fuer mein schatz angeschaut; gute lage, schaut von der aufteilung her schoen aus, kueche und bad fehlen allerdings noch; gegenueber ist eine sauschoene wohnung mit riesengrossem holz-balkon; evtl. wird sie im sommer frei; mal schauen; lieber waere mir eher was neues; budget und zeitrahmen klaert sich naechste woche; werde nun ein wenig schlafen und auf mein schatz warten; an dieser stelle: every now and then i know there is no one in the universe as magical and wonderous as you, every now and then i know there is nothing any better and there is nothing that i just would not do - ich liebe dich!!! :)

    Friday, 2001-05-11, 03:58:26 pm, @work

    eine lustige woche; lauter aufs und abs gehabt; handyklingeln abende hindurch und chaotische tage; gestern spontan zu ms. ulysses gefahren und in die sonne gelegt; jetzt geht es auf ins wochenende... :)

    Tuesday, 2001-05-08, 01:09:59 am, @home

    sonntag war total schoen; lange im bett gelegen und den ganzen tag ueber nicht wirklich viel gemacht, sondern mal nur ausgeruht; frueh und gut geschlafen; lange zur arbeit gebraucht, da fetter stauf vor erlangen war; die idioten muessen natuerlich in der hauptverkehrszeit eine baustelle hochziehen; argl, argl; daheim auf neue, offizielle ip-adressen und damit staendige erreichbarkeit der services umgestellt; vielleicht bekomme ich bald endlich meine schon lange gewuenschte katze; werde sie mumpf taufen, wie es sich fuer eine echte katze gehoert *g*; nina hat naechste woche geburtstag und kann es kaum noch erwarten; seufts :)

    Saturday, 2001-05-05, 06:15:41 pm, @Ms. Ulysses

    alles locker; war die letzten tage nur total faul und unproduktiv; bin immer frueh aus dem buero verschwunden und habe versucht, wieder zu mir zu finden; ms. ulysses gibt mir kraft und staerke; wieder mal das ganze wochenende nicht daheim, will gar nicht wissen, wie es da ausschaut; habe gestern eine katze angeboten bekommen; vielleicht nehme ich sie :); ms. ulysses arbeitet und kommt erst in einigen stunden wieder, leider; waren gestern in baunach beim griechen und dann spazieren; seltsam, wie schoen manchmal die einfachen dinge des lebens sein koennen.

    Wednesday, 2001-05-02, 10:17:43 pm, @home

    heute total konfus; schlecht geschlafen, kaum konzentration gehabt; frueh aus dem buero verschwunden und in die sonne gelegt, heimgefahren, gesurft und tv geschaut; mails geschrieben und vor hitze fast zerflossen; komisch, wir haben alle sehnsuechtig auf schoenes wetter gewartet, nun stoehnen alle ueber die hitze; daheim schaut es aus wie sau, ich muss dringend aufraeumen. morgen werde ich in die rockfabrik gehen, wenn ich mich mal aufraffen kann.